Legitimate Confessions of an IA-ADD Mind

1. When I hear of livestock getting caught in a tornado, I picture pigs with their little, curly queue tailed butts flying around a cyclone and cows, mid-air with legs and hooves wide, braying extreme, “Meeeeeehhhhh!” sounds as they face me in my reverie as if to give me their version of, “What the frig? This is whack!”

2. The platypus serves absolutely no purposed whatsoever – but I still like them.

3. Have special celebrations just because.

It all started with the Days of the Week underwear from my childhood. I’ve been hooked on the days of the week since.

I think people should celebrate:

Ticked off Tuesdays for venting.

Thank You Thursdays (EVERY Thursday and often during the week I list 10 things I’m thankful for) Recommendation: Listen to a child’s prayers or list of gratitude as often as you can. It’s an amazing, profound while simple and light-hearted experience.

Personal Note: My nephew includes in his prayers all sorts of things including, “…and thanks God for backs to scratch…” How perfect!

Naked Friday

4. When an affable job interviewer tells me that there are other strong candidates applying for the position I want and wants to hear why I should be hired over them, I have given my prepared responses… then I have taken a brief pause for the interviewer to finish writing and I have added that I “also heard that my competitors are liars and cleptos.”

5. There’s a movie based on the children’s book Don’t let the Pigeon Drive the Bus. Kids love the book because they get to shout out answers at the interactive story. I love the movie because the pigeon acts like he has bipolar and looks a bit like a rapist who doesn’t get to have his way with the school bus.

6. I thought when someone said, “It’s not what you’re eating it’s what’s eating you.”that they were mentioning a pro-lesbian support book of some sort. Turns out, it’s about nutrition – whoops.

7. I am convinced that “My Girl” is sung by the California Raisins, not the Temptations.

8. It’s nice to catch a glimpse of a boyfriend’s ex-girlfriends. I like to see how I measure up: A. Oh, he dates some average girls and some pretty ones. He’s not superficial and I’m somewhere in their attractiveness range. B. They’re all thinner but my boobs are bigger.

9. Sometimes drunk drivers make me laugh because they do such silly things.

10. I am a library con artist. Unlike La Grand Therese, I just like about my address to a library outside of my network so I can have access to books. If guest passes aren’t an option, I submit a “bill” or mail that says I live in the proper town to get a local library card. It’s so exciting to have access to all those audiobooks, movies, music and books. Free knowledge at my fingertips and all I need is a library card and change for the rare late fee. I can take out resources from several cities and towns in this state and the next. I’m a hardened criminal and I like it!

About the Author


From Bad Dirt during Winter's Bone and Saved by the Holy Spirit's Redeeming Grace

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