I figured out why God is having me write a memoir. I also went to the healing ministry last night at the Anglican church and told the father/priest that I had felt like God was giving me the gift of forgiveness last week. I was in bed praying and the sun shone through the window while I asked Him to give me the gift of forgiveness in the same way that He gives us the gift of repentance – clearly and insight He gave to me. So just like God has to give us the ability to turn from the world, He gave me the gift of plugging into forgiveness. Now I have the ability to forgive at a deeper level.
I told the healing people that I went to Nigel Mumford’s conference and about the unforgiveness healing experience so far but that I wasn’t sure what other unforgiveness there could be that is keeping me from healing from PTSD, depression and ADD (if those burdens will even be taken from me) or lower back and neck trauma. My church had also prayed that my low back pain would subside and there might be some unforgiveness there, but I couldn’t think of anything…
I think the book I’m writing is a way of journaling almost in the spirit if you will. But it’s not like someone has possessed me, making me write. I’m going through the writing process and illuminations are coming up. For example, the reason Miah got attacked in the hotel room after Dad died. I had to wake him up in Jesus name. That was so hard because he is my brother and he is the same brother who was so small and precious to me when we were kids. Pieces of my childhood were coming back [during the writing process] even though the book addresses being involved the New Age world. There was more to it than what meets the eye.
Maybe, in my subconscious, lies unforgiveness toward really blue-collar, ignorant men for being so ignorant and not treating me well in life. I’ll let God tackle those moments in my deep past since I can’t access them on my own. True healing doesn’t involve action but is place where I need to feel authenticity and safety – to be able to trust the Lord.
From Mom: That is a powerful healing and eye opening experience you are going through. Praise The Lord!!!
Me: I don’t feel so great. I think that’s part of the healing process where you’re kind of like, “Oh you’re cutting me open to get out the snake venom. Now it’s out of me.”